First of all: make sure you have a job. This may sound counterintuitive, because you may be seeking welfare as a result of recently losing your job -- but only by having a job can you prove you’re a good person, and we only give help to the good guys. If obtaining a job seems overwhelming, don’t worry! Just call your dad and tell him you’ll be a great fit as VP at one of his companies. If for some strange reason your father does not own a company, you’ll have to find one the old-fashioned way -- pounding the pavement. This entails going outside and pounding the sidewalk with your fist while yelling, “GIVE ME A JOB! PLEEEEAAAASE GIVE ME A JOB!” Before you know it someone will want to shut you up and will offer you a great position. This is how we assume people get jobs, at least, since none of us has ever had to look for one on our own before (Thanks, Pops!).
Another thing is to make sure you never have more than $2,250 in your bank account. As soon as you have enough money to pay for tickets to a crappy Super Bowl, we cut you off. The American people are not going to pay for you to see a good Super Bowl matchup, or to not live paycheck-to-paycheck for a month. If you’re not struggling, you’re not worthy! We struggle too. I mean, can you imagine having to talk to people who are of such poor judgement and distasteful disposition that they don’t have jobs? Yikes.
Kids are more of a catch-22. If you have them when you’re super poor, you’ll be eligible to for some assistance. If you’re only at the poverty line, you’ll receive two lollipops per fiscal quarter. Don’t count on the Children’s Health Insurance Program (If we can’t lock Hillary up, we’ll just keep chipping away at all she holds dear.)
Now, sometimes we hear from people worried about losing their eligibility if they quit their job. This is true; you cannot remain on food stamps if you voluntarily quit your job. Sure, it’s too bad your job at a chemical factory is causing a cancer that will lead you to an early grave, but by continuing to work you’re proving your character, that you’re a true American who works hard for a living, and through that toil can achieve everything life has to offer. Before you know it you’ll be plant manager at that factory, and when your family and friends are sobbing over your corpse, they’ll have known you made it.
In any case, don’t worry. It’s really not going to be much harder to qualify than it already is. But if you don’t think you will be eligible for benefits, the authors of this report recommend simply selling your soul to Satan. He pays well, and none of that mainstream media nonsense that he was cast out of Heaven is accurate at all -- fake news!